Shaping the Listener in Your Life

Men are natural protectors of those they love. While it’s in our nature to do so, men are yet frustrated with those they are supposed to protect. Often, because we get lost along the way from folks not listening we shut down too. For us, it begins early in life. Growing up as a boy we are often silenced by our parents and teachers. We are constantly told to shut up! Go outside and play! Sit down! Do what you are told! We are sometimes forced to listen twice as much as talk. For many of us, the training starts early. What parents and teachers miss is by closing communications it also closes a window in males. Adults think it’s cute when little boys say something grown but we also quickly dismiss them. We even talk about boys to justify their behavior saying he slow or just like his father. Then we send mixed messages as he grows up. We say things like “he’s a king” and at the same time we immediately place limitation on him. With all of the contradictions, his shaping abilities are damaged from the start. We forget that the same little boy must become the protector of a family, wife and children one day. He also must be able to talk and communicate effectively in a variety of situations.

As men we must shape the listener in our lives simply to help us have peace. Most men seek long term relationships, especially marriages, because we believe it to be a safe space where our voices can be heard, respected, trusted and appreciated. Trust and respect are foundations of what men seek out for good relationships. Ultimately, believing that this foundation of trust and respect will bring and maintain peace in his home and relationship he submits to marriage. Growing up, boys are establishing a sense of self and identity. During middle school, he begins to see and use his wisdom but no one listens. In frustration, he then acts out in rage and anger. After working with frustrated boys caught up in the juvenile system where clearly no one is listening or really seems to care, I made it a part of my work to sit and talk with boys as part of any program. Using the techniques of restorative practices, as adults, our job is to listen. Time after time, young men literally try to get their parents to listen but often again and again no one really listens. Those same boys then reach high school where if not for sports, some other program or mentoring they often do not have an outlet. The lack of investment in mentoring, communications and social skills leads boys down a very dangerous path. If he gets through all of these obstacles as a young man, imagine what his romantic relationships could reflect. After all, he has been taught not to communicate and has learned to shut down to listening for his piece of mind. But now, she needs him to listen and express his thoughts and feelings and she wants him to listen to hers. To avoid problems he may listen just enough or share just enough to get her to release her defenses. Ultimately, he has to relearn how to communicate for the sake of peace in their relationship and home.

Men have godly wisdom built within him. Yet, there are times when people are told not to listen to him especially, Black men. This poor philosophy hurts thousands of marriages and relationships every year. It’s such a huge social issue that even comedians talk about how the woman is not listening. The comedian mocks her by saying, “usually the man has said, ‘baby don’t do that or they just using you!” The audience roars in laughter because they know its true! Why do men seem to make statements like these? Because we naturally have instinct to protect our loved ones from something or someone trying to cause them harm. Recently, I was having this conversation with a group of my friends (all husbands). We agreed that having the skill to shape the listeners in your life; the children and the wife, is tough but important. Because mixed messaging tells them not listen to the men in their lives, they have to sharpen their communications skills event more. In fact, most of those who have successful relationships know it was a skill to get their loved-ones to the place where we could grow into spaces together.

Imagine how many relationships were destroyed just because the man or woman did not listen. Ladies men listen to solve. It started as little boys. Males eventually have to choose to listen and learn to have good relationships. We tell the man to have a plan but he must have a good listener to help execute that plan. Women have to learn not to take your “girlfriend conversations” to your man because he is going to let you know what he really sees and you are not going to want to hear him solve the problem when you just want to vent. Because our job is to protect you from harm when you bring things to us as a concern (our view of harm), we will try to protect you in our solution.

Your man has listened very softly and maybe even spoken to you very softly. You may not have listened, so he chose harder words and now you believe he is hating on you. He’s literally showing his natural ability of shaping you to listen so he won’t lose you. Fellas it’s very hard for her to hear you if you have been a problem (i.e., liar, cheat, abusive, ignore her while you are in a relationship). You must learn to listen also. Her skills reflect her natural state of nurturing. She has and needs to shape you to listen to her. This process of trust is for you both in the becoming as one spiritually and its beautiful. Finding this balance of peace as a shaped listener is one of the reasons married couples live longer. Lastly, I’ll share this quote that God gave me along this journey, “only God knows what obstacles, joy, peace, and love your souls will go through to become as one.” Remember we must shape the listeners in our lives through love, patience and respect. This is a reflection of the legacy that men leave behind.

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Tags: boys, couples, fatherhood, husbands, Men, youth family

About the Author

Calvin Mann Calvin T. Mann, National Encourager is gifted as a facilitator, speaker, talk show host (EMIYTV podcast), mentor, vocalist, producer, visionary, coach, author, community activist and proud father of 5. He continues to build boys and men in ways that change their trajectory daily. He has coordinated recreation, organized sports and mentorship programs, led intervention strategies in detention centers, communities, families, and schools. Since 2004, a champion for the silenced voices of children slain to suicide and violence; Mann placed t-shirts with positive messages of encouragement at the sight of slain children to raise awareness of our responsibility to our children and their future. Mann’s passion and unique perspective exemplifies diversity, self-belief and love for his fellow man. Often serving on panels, creating intervention opportunities in schools, or speaking directly to students of all ages he offers enlightening words of encouragement while captivating audiences. Sharing practical solutions and perspectives of boys, men, husbands and fatherhood, realizing our human potential, revealing the benefits of mentorship, family connections, and community impact are just a few of topics that have empowered people toward real change. He has earned the respect and admiration of many including the City of Detroit who bestowed its highest honor “The Spirit of Detroit” award along with Wayne County and the State of Michigan both presenting powerful Resolutions naming April 6th “EMIY National Respect Day” to acknowledge the achievement, investment and role of Calvin T. Mann locally and throughout the country. Calvin is a Man[n] on the front line; encouraging boys and supporting fathers; changing families and our community one encouraging word at a time.